My first memory of ever thinking that I looked fat was when I was the ripe old age of four. Yes, four years old! I look back now at my five year old daughter and pray that she has never had those thoughts. I couldn't even imagine her sweet spirit and mind having to be burdened by thoughts that come from a really messed up society that portrays woman as objects of sex and desire and outer beauty. I had put on a dress for church and looked in the mirror and told my mom I didn't want to wear that dress because it made me look fat. I'm sure that I was only copying things that I had heard, but it still marked the beginning of my journey. In elementary school, I was bullied big time. There were twins in my 5th grade class that kept telling me that I was ugly and said it enough that I believed them. There was also a boy that once told me that he used to like me but didn't anymore because my winter coat made me look fat. Looking back, I realize that it was just an immature comment from a 10 year old. Like honestly, doesn't everyone's winter coats make them look a little bigger than they are?! A few short years later when I was in middle school I started really struggling with life in general. My older sister was the perfect child. She never got into trouble and maintained grades of straight A+'s. She was everything that I wasn't. I tried to be like her but I began feeling like I would never measure up. I didn't know how to be my own person and cherish and embrace who I was. All I focused on was making my parents proud in the same ways that she made them proud. Unfortunately, that isn't how life works. When you spend all your time pretending to be someone that you aren't, it catches up with you eventually. Life caught up with me when I was in 8th grade. I was one person at home and someone else entirely at school. I was caught up in the wrong crowd of kids. They were the ones that would get into their parent's alcohol and probably were already doing drugs and having sex. But hey, I was somebody when I was hanging out with them. They cared about me and I mattered to them. I never felt like my presence mattered much at home. My sister was always in the spotlight and I was always in trouble. And I don't blame my dad but there was also something lacking in my relationship with him that caused me to feel the need to constantly attach myself to a boy. This also fed into my insecurities and eventually led to the start of my eating disorder. So here I am, a 14 year old girl that has no idea how truly amazing life can be if you just STOP worrying about appearances and boys. I wouldn't learn that for many, many years.
It was in 8th grade that I began to not eat. I loved getting the attention from the guy I liked at the time and I also loved having something that I could control. In 9th grade, I continued in my destructive behavior and attached myself to whatever guy said they liked me at the time. Unfortunately, they were all losers with potty mouths and bad grades. But I was getting attention, something that I felt lacked at home and so it was worth it to me. The rest of high school is a blur for me. I honestly blocked that part of my life out of my memory. I do not remember it at all. I think that is a blessing because I don't know if I want to remember what I was like during that time. I think I could have enjoyed my time in school so much more if only I wasn't so messed up emotionally. I don't fully understand what made me think the way I did but I do know that the way I was wired at the time made for a miserable school experience. It was then, in my senior year, that I met Chris. We met online through Facebook. We talked online for a while and then moved to phone calls. He lived in Missouri and I thought he was just the greatest human to every walk the earth. Like with every other guy, I eventually sought to get more attention and told him about my struggle with an eating disorder. Lo and behold, his mom was actually dying from anorexia. It was during this time that I got really sick. I lost a lot of weight, a lot of color, and people at work actually began to worry about me. His mom would get on the phone with me and tell me it was okay to not eat. She would congratulate me for going all day strong and not eating. Yeah, it was really messed up. Big time crazy stuff. I don't want to get into too much detail about this time because there is no need. Just know that this was the darkest part of my life. I was in a deep hole that took a lot of work to climb out of.
Fast forward again to when my husband and I started dating. He knew the struggles I had. He knew the insecurities I had about my body and how I looked. He knew the trust issues I had and the immaturity I had in what a real relationship looks like. But yet he loved me and a month after beginning to date he bought me a diamond and proposed. The first six months of our marriage probably would have looked like the last six months of someones marriage to those looking in from the outside. I was 19 and had no idea what a normal and healthy marriage looked like. My parents relationship has always been different and I feel that also played into some of the insecurities I had at the time. I didn't know what marriage was really supposed to be like. My sweet husband was so patient with me through all the tears and letter writing (I didn't know how to communicate so I would write him letters instead of talk to him). He stood by me on the days I didn't think he could really love me and on the days that I struggled to eat. Through all of his love for me, I healed. It took time and patience and A LOT of prayer and help from above but I was mostly healed, for a time.
After we had our daughter, I struggled big time again. My whole body changed. I developed stretch marks from the top of my stomach down to behind my knees. I suddenly had a pooch belly that I hated so much. It was at this time that every insecurity I ever felt about my body tripled. I couldn't walk through a store with my husband without comparing myself to EVERY woman in there. I would even point out each one and ask if he thought they were prettier than me or if he thought they were too big. Yes, this really did happen. And yes, I know how super crazy and mental this sounds. It was the most unfair position I could put my husband in, ever. Awful. I also wasn't able to breastfeed E because I stopped eating again and ruined my milk supply. Once again, my ever patient husband stood by me through it all. Of course he would get frustrated with me and of course it was also breaking his heart for me to accuse him of looking at other woman every time we went out together. But again, things got better for a time. Until pregnancy #2. Our daughter was only nine months old so it made for a very hard pregnancy. I cried a lot and I worried about my size all the time. I didn't feel attractive or loved or anything during that pregnancy even though I was. It was awful. After we had our son, my husband said we were done. He couldn't go through another nine months from hell with a wife who was constantly having breakdowns and couldn't function watching a movie or going to a store where another woman might be. Yes, I am being serious, this is the honest truth. I remember pleading with J to go see a cartoon in theater for our date night over another movie we thought looked good because heaven forbid there was an attractive actress in it. I was so set on forcing J to never be around other woman because it made me feel better. After we had L, I knew something had to change. Big time.
Embrace was born. I began to change my unhappy journey into a happy one. I began to love myself and to find ways to help turn my insecurities into good thoughts. I went on a journey to find out who I was a person; something I never thought I knew. I developed a healthy lifestyle. I began eating the right foods and exercising and found that by doing those things, my thoughts never turned back to not eating. My thoughts began to grow into self-improving ones. I learned about the things I am good at. I am good with people, finances, running, cooking, and so much more. I learned that I am of value and I matter. I looked back at how much my husband endured with me and all that I put him through and truly learned how much that man loves me. Boy does he love me.
It was during this time that I realized that Heavenly Father may have a plan for all this turmoil I felt at a young age. I could not get the thought of Embrace out of my mind. I had to learn to embrace who I was, embrace the positive, embrace my mom body, and embrace the things that I don't have control over to change. I knew that I had to expand the idea further but life got in the way.
Pregnancy #3 wasn't all peaches and cream. It was still very difficult physically on me but the crazy emotions were so much better. I wasn't dealing with all those horrible thoughts and I could go see a movie with J. I could walk through the store again and not feel the lump in my throat develop and the heat rush to my face with worry and anxiety. After we had C, I began again to work on building who I was. I wasn't able to loss the baby weight after having him and a year and half later am still over what my "normal" used to be. But I no longer have the desire to starve myself to get there. I have days (about once a month if you get what I mean) where I still can have brief insecure thoughts but all it takes now is for me to tell my husband I need extra love and extra compliments to help get me through it. My journey isn't over and won't ever be. I will continue to develop who I am throughout my entire life. That's part of the joy and beauty in life!
This is my story. This is my dark past and bright future and I am now working toward expanding my Embrace movement. I want to shout to every woman in the world who has ever felt like they didn't matter or that they weren't beautiful and help them change their brains. It can be tricky and it takes a lot of work, but it is so worth it.
It is my hope and prayer that I can reach out to those who need help embracing and get them there. You are beautiful and you are worth it. This blog is only the beginning and I can't wait for the rest!!
Embrace positive. Embrace beauty. Embrace you.
